Respectful Adoption Language

Positive Language/ Hurtful Language
Birthparent/ Real Parent
Biological Parent/ Natural Parent
Birth Child /Own Child
My Child /Adopted Child; Own Child
Born to unmarried parents/ Illegitimate
Terminate Parental Rights/ Give Up
Make an adoption plan /Give Away
To Parent/ To Keep
Waiting Child /Adoptable or Available Child
Biological Father /Begettor
Making Contact With /Reunion
Parent /Adoptive Parent
International Adoption/ Foreign Adoption
Adoption Triad /Adoption Triangle
Search /Track down parents
Child placed for adoption/ An unwanted child
Child from abroad /Foreign Child
Was adopted /Is adopted

Examples and Explanations

"This is Bill's adopted son." We don't say, "This is Bill's birth-control-failure son." So, we shouldn't qualify an adoptee child either.

"Do you have any children of your own?" or "Have you ever met your real mother?" or "Are they natural brothers and sisters?" Whether by blood or not, they are all children of the couple and thus are all brothers and sisters. The adoptive couple are his "real" parents and all the children are their own.

Also, it is important not to probe for information regarding the child's birth family. That is the child's private information. His adoptive family must do what they can to protect him from that information being used hurtfully, even if unintentionally.

"Will the agency take him back now that you know he's handicapped?" or "What if his real parents want him back?" are both inappropriate questions.

"Was adopted" and "is adopted" are actually very different statements. "Is adopted" really should be avoided.

"Are you sure you want to adopt? Aren't you just asking for heartache?" "When are you going to have your own child?" "Why did his parents get rid of him?" "Where are her real parents?" "How much did she cost?" are all inappropriate questions.

Also, it is hurtful for the child to hear statements such as, "This is such a wonderful thing that you are doing." Or, "You can provide such a wonderful life for this child." etc... While the encouragement is appreciated, it builds upon the thought that we are "saving" or "rescuing" this child- making a project out of him. It feeds into an inferiority concept, as opposed to the blessing that this child is to that family.

Final Thoughts

For those friends who are adopting and reading this, I think it is also important for us to not get hung up on making sure those around us use only certain words. I want to always be approachable, loving, and easy to talk to. I want people to walk away from me feeling loved by God's redeeming love. These are my opportunities to show grace to those who truly mean no harm.