Father God, what was that?!

Today. Today is hard to explain. Honestly, this is my first opportunity to stop and process and try to decompress. So, please excuse a teary, probably incoherent, entry.

I got a phone call today from Carolina Hope's director and we talked over some details regarding the Azerbaijan program. She closed our conversation asking if we would be interested in a certain baby due this month to a mother in Ohio.

Excuse me??? Yes, I had heard correctly. I answered that yes we would be very interested. I asked a few questions and she said the woman in charge of the domestic program would get back with me with the answers. Thus started a flurry of emails back and forth and a decision that had to be made immediately. Honestly, I still don't know how today was even possible because we haven't even finished our homestudy, much less put together a profile for a birthmother to view. Regardless, we were being asked and I had to supply an answer immediately. It seemed there was a person standing in my living room waving this baby that I would SOOO dearly love to be holding asking, "Do you want this baby- but you have to answer logically!" And my logical half was stuck in meetings all day! To top it all off, a neighbor and her three children decided to drop by for a get-to-know-you session. I knew she is in some really tough times and I didn't want to miss my opportunity to minister to her. In the meantime, her children turned my home into chaos and my house is a complete disaster and I was trying to field calls from my caseworker (whom I'd left a panicked message for her to call me) and my husband and I could only hear bits and snatches of what they were saying because the chaos going on inside my home was so loud. And in the midst of that, I got another email from Carolina Hope letting me know the birthmother felt strongly about having yearly visits with the baby. This was something I did not feel I could compromise on, when really I just wanted to yell, "Yes! Whatever I have to do, Yes! Just please let me have this baby." The email had said to let Carolina Hope know immediately if this was something I could agree to- another agency had already been contacted about taking the baby. Instead, I tried to minister to a mom in my home and welcome my husband home amidst chaos. The mom left at 6:30PM. Corban was so stressed and worn out, he just asked to go to sleep instead of eating dinner. Philip and Sierra are at Wal-Mart since I never got to that today. Hopefully, another family's dreams are coming true right now.

God, what was today? Why did you allow today? Was there a lesson somewhere in all of that? God, where is my little girl? Is she all alone in some orphanage? Is she growing inside someone's tummy? God, why can't you just show us- point us in her direction- and let us go charging after her? I know it is all in your perfect timing. But was today necessary? I choose to trust you, Father. But soon, please Father?