Baring Our Hearts

Hello Everyone,

There is much I want to share and I'm struggling to know where to start. I guess it starts a few years ago when I read the book The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazely. Ever since reading that book, I have prayed that God would give our family a ministry, a vision. I prayed that God would give us a work that we could do together, not just something I am involved in or Philip is involved in, but all of us- including our children.

A few weeks ago, Philip began talking about "our next adoption." Just this past Thursday, I sat at Panera's with Amy Park and Julie Armstrong, fellow adoptive moms, explaining how I just didn't know how we could financially do that. They encouraged me to continue trusting in God's leadership through my husband. I knew they were right. This just is not happening at all according to how I would have planned things- which is, ironically, how Julie was feeling that evening and I told her exactly what I was needing to hear :)

Then, last night, Philip came to me with more ideas. Ideas he was really excited about. Ideas that included adding several more children, how to house them and even ideas on how we were going to feed that many mouths! Every other time we've dreamed together, I've always gotten excited about what God could do and how we could be used. But this time was different. I sat back and admitted to him that this all felt so huge, so absolutely impossible that I couldn't even get excited thinking about it. Conversely, I felt discouraged and defeated just thinking about it. In my mind, there is just no way those dreams could ever happen.

I walked away from the table and Philip to spend some time alone in prayer with God. I asked Him why, when I've always been the first to say such things as He is in the business of miracles, and He is an awesome God, or Don't box God in, and Don't underestimate Him, was I so absolutely certain this was hopeless and beyond His ability? He reminded me of Julie and her husband's "big prayers." He reminded me of my prayer for our family to be used by Him. And He reminded me that He rarely answers those prayers in the ways we expect. And I came face to face with the reality that I truly am one who doesn't have faith even the size of a mustard seed.

So, in conclusion, I don't know exactly what the Lord has planned for us. I do know He is doing a work in my husband's heart. And I know my job right now is to be praying that the Holy Spirit would teach me to have faith. Because only then can I begin praying as I should for the vision God is starting to give my husband for our family and asking Him for the things that we will need.

Interestingly, the passage we studied this morning is Ephesians 3:14-21. The entire passage is extremely relevent. But verse 20 and 21 about reduced me to tears :) "Now to him who is able to do immeasureably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations for ever and ever! Amen."