Confessions from an Adoptive Mom’s Heart

Hannah Means God’s Grace

Many of you have asked how things are going now that we have had our Hannah Joy home for a little over a month. If you’ve followed our journey at all, you know this has been a long time in coming- 4.5 years or 3.5 years depending on when you start counting (Ian was an unexpected priceless pause in our process). So, with all that time of begging and pleading to God for our daughter, what I have written won’t surprise any of you more than it has surprised me. What I have written is sinful, ugly, and riddled with guilt. But for those of you genuinely asking how we are doing, it is my honest answer.

I have learned two things about moms and dads since bringing Hannah home. 1) A daddy’s heart develops far less than I imagined while his wife is pregnant. He becomes a daddy when the baby is born. He is excited at the developmental milestones, about the date getting closer, etc. but no more than the procedural milestones and travel date of an adoption. Once that child is in his arms and he knows he is the father, it is a done deal. He is a daddy, whether by birth or by adoption. And I praise God for that. 2) A mommy’s heart develops far more than I realized during pregnancy. God does a work in a woman that goes to the core of her being before she ever gives birth and lays eyes on that baby.

I have realized something else that I think can be easy to forget- at least I did. Adoption was not in God’s original design. Only because sin entered the world do we now have widows and orphans that need care. Because God knew this would happen, He provided the plan of adoption. God’s design is for a woman to mother the child of her womb. After coming home, the thought, “This is not natural!” kept going through my brain. I finally realized that I was right and I needed to stop fighting that feeling. It isn’t natural, but it is God’s plan.

Now for those who know me even slightly, you could be really confused right now. Most of you saw me desperate to bring home this child that I was crazy in love with. Like I said, more happens to a mommy’s heart during pregnancy that I was naively unaware of. And when the rubber meets the road, and there is a precious little girl in your home that has already lived 2.5 years of her life without you, replacing a picture that you have fantasized over, standing next to 3 children that you birthed, there is a stark difference. Suddenly, you are trapped in a babysitting job that has gotten very old. It matters not how perfect the child is, one feels irritated. And I say that with all the guilt you can possibly imagine.

In all the years of prepping for this adoption- seminars, books, and talking with fellow adoptive moms- I only remember hearing of struggles from other adoptive parents based on a child’s issue. I was mentally prepared to help Hannah through her trauma and ensuing baggage. However, praise God, Hannah Joy is doing beautifully! It is I that have the issues. I have since realized that our adoption process was just the beginning of God’s refining work in my life because the last few weeks have squeezed me in a way I’ve never been squeezed and what has come out has been pure and simple gross, ugly sin.

I went back to Jonah looking for answers. Jonah, defying all logic is upset after the salvation of Ninevah and states, “I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love…” And God asked Jonah, “Have you any right to be angry?” I knew intellectually that I am staring a magnificent miracle in the face and have absolutely nothing to be angry about. But here I am struggling with feeling irritated and sometimes even angry at this child I begged God for and thought I was crazy in love with. My Bible commentary on those verses states that our sinful nature resists the display of God’s grace to any of His creatures. As ashamed as I am to admit it, that rings true with me. Intellectually, I have no doubt this is God’s design for our family, that I truly desire this sweet girl, and wouldn’t go back to being just the five of us for anything. But, there is this deep, horrifying part of me that I feel I have no control over that is resisting what God is doing in our family.

So where does that leave me? It has me begging God moment by moment to help me truly love Hannah as He does. It has me begging Him to transform this ugly sinful heart of mine. And it has me claiming His promises that He will do that over time. There are two other verses I would like to share with you:

1) Psalm 119:172-173- May my tongue sing of your word, for all your commands (being called to adopt) are righteous. May your hand be ready to help me (He will!), for I have chosen your precepts.

2) Psalm 84:11- For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing (a love for Hannah) does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless.

God calls us to hard things. But, praise God, He is trustworthy, able and good. And so, to answer your question as to how we are doing, I can say “This is hard for me, but by God’s grace each day is a little bit better because He is stretching and refining me to be more like Him. And everyone else is doing extraordinary!”